This Time Last Year

This time last year, I thought my life was over.  I had no job, we were living in a hotel, and my marriage obliterated before my eyes.  I had heard what the Lord said (that the separation was temporary, the housing would come back together, that I would never see those days again), but in that moment, all I could see that I was broke, alone, broken, and lonely. I had 3 children looking at me trying to figure out if I was ok while I tried to hide and cry in the shower, not realizing that they could hear me.  I didn’t know how I was going to pay for the hotel stay, let alone get the money to get out of there.  Was my marriage just over or would this just be a fight? I mean I packed up everything my husband owned and left it at the door. And he actually took it and left.  And then came back and we had the biggest fight that we had in our lives. A fight that triggered almost my entire childhood worth of trauma.  But this time I wasn’t the kid sitting in the corner terrified, I was the adult. I was the parent. I was the spouse.  And I had to play it cool while my insides were just as scared as they were.  I didn’t realize how that 48 hours that transpired in that time of my life would be the running start to get me where I am today.  You know how the old folks say “God kept me, even when I didn’t want to be kept”...I can say that I understand that so much more now. I didn’t want to be kept because I wanted to crawl into a hole and just never come out.  I wanted to let the depression overtake me so that I didn’t have to feel the feelings that God was trying to uncover in me. All I knew was I had to tend to my kids.  I couldn’t let them suffer because of my decisions.  But I didn’t even think I had it in me to really do it.  We stayed in that hotel for 4 more months.  4 months of uncertainty, 4 months of isolation, 4 months of depression, 4 months of money that just never seemed like enough, but somehow was just enough.  Now I’m sitting here, in an apartment that’s bigger than the house we moved out of, my entire family is under one room (that same husband included) and now our family is expanding because now I’m carrying a new life.  A life that was created in love. It wasn’t an oops or an oh well. We intentionally created it.  I went from making just enough to keep me treading water to a being able to have excess and money to save.  I heard what God told me, but I didn’t see it. I heard it, but all I could see was what I felt and what I tried to numb.  I’m so grateful that even though I couldn’t see, He wouldn’t let me forget. And He did everything that He said He was going to do.  I’m a living witness. 

The Re-Introduction

I’m to write a book. An opportunity to write something that will heal me in ways that I haven’t allowed myself to be healed as of yet. I’m terrified because in my mind that means having to pull out the things that I put back (again).  It’s time to let them go and fully be free and not be bound by my memories or the thoughts that the linger in the back recesses of my mind.  I’m afraid that if I bring voice to these things that I bring them to life and prove that they aren’t the monsters that are in the back of my closet or under my bed.  That they’re actually real and authentic and tried to take me out and make me doubt everything that I am.  Made me question my worth and cower in the corner to just sit and watch because my voice wasn’t bold enough to say “that’s enough”.  But I’ve been commissioned to bring light to the dark areas of my life and show me that while they were real, they don’t have a hold on me anymore.  They don’t control me anymore and that I’m bigger and better than anything I ever thought I could be. So I’m going to write, write fearful, write through tears, write with the boldness that’s been put in me because it hasn’t been quieted. If anything it’s grown, the lioness has discovered her power and we’re not going to let it go back in hiding anymore.  It’s time to write.