Choosing Pain

I make it a concerted effort to ensure that my son has the pain medicine that he needs. And I mean almost neurotic just to keep him in a non-pain or minimal pain state. Having sickle cell, I know the pain is not just excruciating, but it’s damaging. But lately, I’m finding medicine doses in his bedroom and amongst his things. And when I ask him why, he doesn’t know and swears he’s taking everything but doesn’t understand why it’s not working. 

This weekend, we did MegaCon. I knew it was going to be a lot of walking, so pain potential. I gave him medicine before we left, medicine during, after and that night. We got home last nights and while helping him unpack this morning to get ready for school (as he’s crying in pain) I find 4 doses of pain medication on the floor next to him. He’s telling me that he’s taking everything I give him and he doesn’t know where the medicine came from. And when I say crying in pain, I mean I physically got on my knees to put his socks on him because he couldn’t pain. Im 23 weeks pregnant and swollen on my own, but my baby needed help to get dressed, so I’m doing my duties as his parent to help him. And happy to do it because I know he couldn’t. But finding that medicine on the floor feels like he’s sabotaging his own efforts to feel better. That all of the effort that I’m putting in to make sure he’s ok is going to waste because he won’t follow up and do his part. And I know he’s not intentionally taking it (at least I hope not). But the end result is still the same. Excruciating pain, another day of missed school and more potential for complications and damaged organs.

I’m sitting here in bed writing this and I’m like God is this what You feel like when You give us all of the tools and plans, but don’t do them and suffer because of our own disobedience? I’m frustrated and hurt to my core. His remedy is sitting next to him. God I’m sorry for every disobedient thing I’ve ever done. I understand the feeling of watching your children suffer when they didn’t have to. I understand watching how it could be just a small ache, if the work had been followed through, but it’s doubling over pain. God help me to remember this feeling the next time I directly or indirectly decide to not follow the plans you have set for my life. That even though I may be “inconvenienced” for the moment, it’s for my ultimate good soon after. That my relief is in my obedience. 

Today I’m frustrated and I’m hurt. Hurt for my son because I have to watch him hurt until the medicine starts to work and frustrated because he’s not doing his part. I want my son to have a long, full and healthy life…but he has to do his part. 😔😔